The Hand That First Held Mine | Maggie O'Farrell

1- Through it, he sees something incredible. .. She looks, Ted sees, like she used to. ..
He loves that look. He's missed it.  It was what made him realise what had to happen, what he must do. After a while, he began to see Elina reminded him of nothing so much as one of those balloons children have -- the bright ones, filled with helium, that bob and tug at the end of their string.  One moment of inattention and off they go, skywards, away, never to be seen again.  He saw that Elina had lived everywhere, all over the world, that she arrived and left and moved on.  That secret thing she had, what she did up there in the attic when no one was looking, with her paints and her turpentine and her canvases -- she only needed that, she didn't lack anything else, any anchor, any gravity.  And he saw that if he didn't take hold of her, if he didn't tether her down, if he didn't bind her to him, she would be off again.  And so he did it.  He laid hold of her and he held on tight, he sometimes pictures this as him tying the string of a balloon to his writs and getting on with his life while it floats there, just above his head. He has been holding on tight ever since.  (130)

2- When she leaves the house on these mornings, she senses a thread that runs between her and her son, and as she walks away through the streets she is aware of it unspooling, bit by bit.  By the end of the day, she feels utterly unravelled, almost mad with desire to be back with him, and she urges the Tube train to rattle faster through the tunnels, to speed over the rails, to get her back to her child as quickly as possible.  It takes her a while, once she's there again with him, to wind herself back to rightness, to get the thread back to where it ought to be-- a length of no more than a couple of feet or so feels best.  (237)

3- The women we become after children

We change shape, we buy low-heeled shoes, we cut off our long hair.  We begin to carry in our bags half-eaten rusks, a small tractor, a shred of beloved fabric, a plastic doll.  We lose muscle tone, sleep, reason, perspective.  Our hearts begin to live outside our bodies.  They breathe, they tat, they crawl and -- look! -- they walk, they begin to speak to us.  We learn that we must sometimes walk an inch at a time, to stop and examine every stick, every stone, every squashed tin along the way. We get used to not getting where we were going.  We learn to darn, perhaps to cook, to patch the knees of dungarees.  We get used to living with a love that suffuses us, suffocates us, blinds us, controls us.  We live.  We contemplate our bodies, our stretched skin, those threads of silver around our brows, our strangely enlarged feet.  We learn to look less in the mirror.  We put our dry-clean-only clothes in the back of the wardrobe.  Eventually, we throw them away.  We school ourselves to stop saying "shit" and "damn" and learn to say 'my goodness' and 'heavens above'.  We give up smoking, we colour our hair, we search the vistas of parks, swimming pools, libraries, cafes for others of our kind.  We know each other by our pushchairs, our sleepless gazes, the beakers we carry.  We learn how to cool a fever, ease a cough, the four indicators of meningitis, that one must sometimes push a swing for two hours.  We buy biscuit cutters, washable paints, aprons, plastic bowls.  We no longer tolerate delayed buses, fighting in the street, smoking in restaurants, sex after midnight, inconsistency, laziness, being cold.  We contemplate younger women as they pass us in the street, with their cigarettes, their makeup, their tight-seamed dresses, their tiny handbags, their smooth, washed hair, and we turn away, we put down our heads, we keep on pushing the pram up the hill.  (241)

4- So here he was, on his hands and knees, saving her studio from being engulfed by the garden.  He wants to give her a surprise. He wants her to be happy. He wants the baby to sleep for more than three hours at a stretch.  He wants to have if not his old life then some kind of life, not this constant lurching from one day to the next.  He wants Elina not to have huge dark circles under here eyes all the time, for her not to have that tense, bitten-lip look she's developed recently.  He wants the house to stop smelling of sh*t.  He wants there to be a time when he washing-machine isn't on.  He wants her to stop getting upset with him when it slips his mind to take the laundry out of the machine, to hang the laundry, to fold the laundry, to buy more nappies, to make the dinner, to clear away the dinner.  (244)

5- The shock of motherhood, for Lexie, is not the sleeplessness, the troughs of exhaustion, the shrinkage of life, how your existence becomes limited to the streets around where you live, but the onslaught of domestic tasks: the washing and the drying.  Performing these makes her almost weep with furious boredom and she more than once hurls an armful of laundry at the wall.  She eyes other mothers on the street and they look so poised, so together, with their handbags hooked over the pram handles and their neatly embroidered sheets tucked in around their babies with hospital corners.  But what about the washing, she wants to say, don't you loath the drying and the folding? (236)

___

3/5 Maggie O'Farrell takes my breath away with her painting of these strong female protagonists.  It is masterful how she weaves the stories of each character together, and her descriptions almost transport you right to the very street or very moment she's describing in such an artful way. This one was a bit of a slower start for me, but I couldn't put it down during the second half of the book. I felt seen in motherhood. I did predict the ending, but it made the unraveling no less fun!

Fresh Water for Flowers | Valérie Perrin

“I prefer youngsters to be full of life, annoying, noisy, drunk, stupid, rather than in coffins, followed by people bowed with grief.” (77)

“We push open the door. In the window there are funerary plaques and bouquets of artificial flowers. I loathe artificial flowers. A plastic or polyester rose is like a bedside lamp trying to imitate the sun.” (135)

“The darkness has to intensify for the first star to appear.” (208)

“I had my first garden at nine years old. One square meter of flowers. It was my mother who taught me how to sow, water, harvest. I sensed that it would be my thing. She always said to me, ‘Don’t judge each day by what you can pick, but by the seeds you sow.’ .. this garden is seven hundred square meters.. of joy, love, sweat, endeavor, determination, and patience.” (231)

“I was impatient to return to life after [their passing]. With the main one extinguished, the volcano was extinct. But I sensed branches, offshoots growing inside me. Whatever I sowed, I could feel it. I was sowing myself. And yet, the arid soul that was me was much poorer than that of the cemetery vegetable garden. A soil full of gravel. But a blade of grass can grow anywhere, and that anywhere was me. Yes, a root can take hold in tar. All that’s needed is the tiniest crack for life to penetrate the impossible. A little rain, some sun, and then shoots from who knows where, from the wind perhaps, appear.” (248)


***

3/5. Some beautiful passages, a moving story overall. I cried. But the "love" in this book was just "lust" and that was a huge chunk of the novel.. I couldn't get past all those affairs. If you can look past that part, then, this book is beautiful. 

Hamnet | Maggie O'Farrell

    She grows up feeling wrong, out of place, too dark, too tall, too unruly, too opinionated, too silent, too strange.  She grows up with the awareness that she is merely tolerated, an irritant, useless, that she does not deserve love, that she will need to change herself substantially, crush herself down if she is to be married. She grows up, too, with the memory of what it meant to be properly loved, for what you are, not what you ought to be. 
    There is just enough of this recollection alive, she hopes, to enable her to recognize it if she meets it again.  And if she does, she won't hesitate. She will seize it with both hands, as a means of escape, a means of survival. She won't listen to the protestations of others, their objections, their reasoning.  This will be her chance, her way through the narrow hole at the heart of the stone, and nothing will stand in her way. (49-50)

Over the next while, she observes him carefully, in the manner of a doctor watching a patient.  She sees how he cannot sleep at night but then cannot rouse himself in the morning. How he rises at midday, groggy, whey-faced, his mood flat and grey.  The smell of him is worse then, the sour, rank scent soaked into his clothing, his hair.  His father comes to the door, shouting and bawling, telling him to stir himself, to put in a day's work.  She sees how she, Agnes, must remain calm, steady, must make herself bigger, in a way, to keep the house on an even keel, not to allow it to be taken over by this darkness, to square up to it, to shield Susanna from it, to seal off her own cracks, not to let it in. (158)

Agnes lifts her chin a little higher. There is no disgrace, says the straightness of her back.  There is no problem in our marriage, says the proud, outward curve of her middle.  There is no failing in the business, say her husband's shining boots. (176)

She presses the muscle, presses and presses, as if she might draw juice from it.  She senses mostly noise, at first: numerous voices, calling in loud and soft and threatening and entreating tones.  His mind is crammed with a cacophony, with strife, with overlapping speech and cries and yells and yelps and whispers, and she doesn't know how he stands it, and there are the other women, she can feel them, their loosened hair, their sweat-marked handprints, and it sickens her but she keeps holding on, despite wanting to let go, to push him away, and there is also fear, a great deal of fear, of a journey, something about water, perhaps a sea, a desire to seek a faraway horizon, to stretch his eyes to it, and beneath all this, behind it all, she finds something, a gap, a vacancy, an abyss, which is dark and whistling with emptiness, and at the bottom of it she finds something she has never felt before: his heart, that great, scarlet muscle, banging away, frantic and urgent in its constancy, inside his chest.  It feels so close, so present, it's almost as if she could reach out and touch it.
He is still looking at her when she releases her grip. Her hand nestles, inactive, inside his.
"What did you find?" he says to her. 
"Nothing," she replies. "Your heart."
"That's nothing?" He says, pretending to be outraged.  "Nothing? How could you say such a thing?"
She smiles at him, a faint smile, but he snatches her hand to his chest.

"And it's your heart," he says, " not mine."
(265)

I am dead:

Thou livest;

... draw thy breath in pan,

To tell my story

--Hamlet, Act V, scene ii

(215)

***

5/5. I'm in awe that anyone could write something so stunning and tragic. One of my top 5 favorite books. I promised no spoilers on this blog, so I won't say more. But WOW, wow wow.

If you've read this book-- did you feel the same? Let's chat!

The Birthday Book | Ann Druit, Christine Fynes-Cliton, & Marjie Rowling

 ✨”What comes through in this volume, above and beyond the wealth of down-to-earth ideas and suggestions, is a sense of the real meaning of birthdays: how they are milestones on a journey in which each of us, with our precious and different gifts, increasingly gets to grips with life and hopefully- unfolds our full potential.” (vii)

✨”It is not the years in your life but the life in your years that counts.” Adlai Stevenson (viii)

✨”You have no birthday because you have always lived; you were never born and never will you die. You are not the child of the people you call mother and father, but their fellow-adventurer on a bright journey to understand the things that are.” Richard Bach (1)

✨”I woke that day feeling unusually terrible, not just plain terrible but fancy terrible, terrible with raisins in it. Oh yes, it was my birthday.” Dorothy Parker (13)

✨”There will come a time, perhaps sooner, perhaps later, when such a celebration will change, will be moulded by the passing of years, and will eventually need to be relinquished to take its place in the many-coloured patchwork of family memories.” (44)

***

5/5. A Fabulous resource for birthdays. Magical and simple and sweet.

Early Riser Companion | Elizabeth Antonia

Note, these are additional quotes I found inspiring. The original five can be found on my instagram page, @yourstrulykait !

This is the season of childhood

And as swiftly as Spring turns into Summer

Summer to Autumn, Autumn to Winter,

the season of childhood will end. 

But for now

WE ARE HERE.

Wake up and greet the day.

Ready or not, there is a little one

waiting for you.

Good Morning,

Early Riser. 

(11)

This, for me, is the great juxtaposition of motherhood: the pure love, the expansion of the heart; and the simultaneous longing for freedom, for sleep, for time, for whatever else feels sacrificed on the altar of raising small humans. 

(109)

We need symbols of light during these dark days.  Fill your home with light. Fill your heart with light.  When faced with obstacles, keep going.  If something is making you feel bad, change it.  Each little light that shines against the darkness helps someone get through. 

(121)

For the record, around these parts the tooth fairy brings two silver dollar coins and a crystal. 
(39).

We are growing alongside our little ones.  We have the honor to witness the littlest and biggest facets of their lives unfold... In creating a sanctuary of home, an intentional place nurtured in private for each family member, our children experience respite and stability.  A place to pause and dream.  This held space will be felt by them on a cellular level, and they will carry it out into the world when they are ready.
(13)

(On Chores)...Rushing through them says to them, "I am doing the dishes. I am sweeping the floor. I am folding the laundry. This is MY chore to do, not yours.  Do not interrupt my important work." And in a couple of years, they begin to believe it. "This is your chore Mom, not mine." 
Can you involve your child in one new thing today and explroe how it makes them feel? Make a list of things you need to do around the home, and designate a day for each (rather than tackling all at once). 

(44-45). 

Together, we created a short book with our bedtime routine detailed and would read this on the couch before we began our evening rituals.. Our children love stories that clearly relate to life. 

(158)

***

5/5. Elizabeth Antonia has written and compiled a masterpiece. I now want to slow down, raise my kids with intention, and create a beautiful life with them.

Bedtime Stories for Girls of Destiny | Raeleigh Wilkinson

1. [Chieko Nishimura Okazaki] "Do you see women of different ages, races, or different backgrounds in the Church? Of different educational, marital and professional experiences? Women with children? Women without children? Women of vigorous health and those who are limited by chronic illness or handicaps? Rejoice in the diversity of our sisterhood! It is the diversity of colors in a spectrum that makes a rainbow." (11)

2. [Sahar Qumsiyeh] "My country has never experienced peace, but now I feel my heart has enough peace to cover the entire country of Palestine." (79)

3. [Emily Bates] "Sometimes, people ask Emily about the conflicts between religion and science, and she says simply that they are complementary approaches to finding the truth.  When science and religion seem to conflict, Emily prays and studies.  Through the Spirit, she discerns what is true or how the two concepts can work together.  She believes everything good is from God and that all truth leads to Him." (21)

4. [Julia Mavimbela] "I give thanks to God that he has made me a woman.  I give thanks to my Creator that he has made me black, that he has fashioned me as I am with my hands, heart, head to serve my people.  It can, it should be a glorious thing to be a woman." (39)

5. [Noelle Pikus-Pace] "Rise above it all, whatever holds you back, and become who you want to become." (67)

***

5/5. This book is a beautiful compilation of inspired women and their stories.  This is geared toward a younger audience in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, and it's such a fun book to have on hand as I teach my own daughters. The stories are diverse and beautiful, and the artwork is equally stunning!

The Curated Closet | Anuschka Rees

1. "In our culture, buying a ton of new stuff every year has become the norm.  We are so used to buying new clothes, gadgets, and knickknacks all the time that buying less, repairing what you have instead of immediately replacing it, and putting time and effort into selecting new purchases all seem like foreign concepts.  An effective way to reset what you consider normal and gain a new perspective is going on a temporary shopping fast.  Don't buy anything for one whole week and see how you feel.  Or don't buy anything new for one moth except for food and essentials like shampoo and toilet paper.  You can also limit your shopping fast to just one specific group of things you're having trouble with, like clothes or beauty products.  Throughout your fast, keep a little diary of how you feel so you can later go back to identify your personal triggers for wanting to shop and find replacement activities." (220)

2. [Cotton] "Check the density of the fabric by holding it up to the light.  Even if it is very fine, the fabric should not be transparent.  If the fabric lets through a lot of light, it's a sign that it is not very dense and therefore will not be very durable." 226

3. "Always check the care instructions before you buy a linen piece.  Linen is very prone to shrinking, and many linen garments can only be dry cleaned or washed in cold water." (227)

4. "Oftentimes, a small amount of synthetic fiber improves the fit of an otherwise natural fabric. Spandex, poyester, or Lycra especially, mix well with cottons or wools to add stretch and elasticity and make sure the garment keeps its shape after washing.  For fitted items that you want to curve around your body (such as Jeans and T-shirts), look for a fabric composition that includes about 2 to 5 percent of a stretchy synthetic material." 233

5. "The essential two-step fit check... Step 1: Mirror check. 

...Step 2: Movement check: 

...Check how your piece feels and looks during these four basic movements: 

1. Hug someone (or pretend to) 
2. Sit down.
3. Walk
4. Bend over (as if you were tying your shoes). 
If you like, you can also do some lunges or a little chicken dance." (244)

***

3/5 I think this is a creative book. I felt it was more tailored for young people, however, such as those in college or just starting out.  I would have loved more examples for types of styles, and their descriptions. I would have loved more focus on how to look put together when you're a mom and the only thing you want to wear are yoga pants and sweatshirts.  I did find the chapter on how to know if a garment is high quality invaluable. I loved that aspect of the book! 

Anxious People | Fredrik Backman

1. "The older police officer squints at the real estate agent.  He's gotten into the habit of doing that when he encounters incomprehensible individuals, and a lifetime of almost constant squinting has given the skin under his eyes something of the quality of soft ice cream. The Realtor, who is evidently of the opinion that no one heard her the first time, offers an unwanted explanation: 'Get it? HOUSE TRICKS Real Estate Agency. HOW'S TRICKS? Get it? Because everyone wants a real estate agent who knows the best...'" (18)

2. "Nothing is easier for people who never do anything themselves than to criticize someone who actually makes an effort." (209)

3. "Ro replied dejectedly: '...Since she got pregnant everything's become so serious, because parents are always serious and I suppose we're trying to fit in.  Sometimes I don't think I'm ready for the responsibility-- I mean, I think my phone is asking too much of me when it wants me to install an update, and I find myself yelling: 'You're suffocating me.' You can't shout that at a child. And children have to be updated all the time, because they can kill themselves just crossing the street or eating a peanut! I've mislaid my phone three times already today, I don't know if I'm ready for a human being.'" (163)

4. "Julia didn't follow the logic. 

'Grandchildren would make him feel important?' 

Anna-Lena smiled weakly.  

'Have you ever held a three-year-old by the hand on the way home from preschool?' 

'No.' 

'You're never more important than you are then.'" (177)

5. "The bridge is covered with ice, sparkling beneath the last few valiant stars as dawn heaves its way over the horizon.  The town is breathing deeply around it, still asleep, swaddled in eiderdowns and dreams and tiny feet belonging to hearts our own can't beat without." (322)

***

4/5. I thoroughly enjoyed this book. It was not only hilarious and relatable, but the unfolding of the story was clever and beautiful and poignant. Bravo, Fredrik Backman! Can't wait to read more of your books.

The Midnight Library | Matt Haig

1. "She had thought, in her nocturnal and suicidal hours, that solitude was the problem. But that was because it hadn't been true solitude.  The lonely mind in the busy city yearns for connection because it thinks human-to-human connection is the point of everything.  But amid pure nature (or the 'tonic of wildness' as Thoreau called it) solitude took on a different character.  It became in itself a kind of connection.  A connection between herself and the world.  And between her and herself." 126

2. "She imagined, now, what it would be like to accept herself completely. Every mistake she had ever made.  Every mark on her body.  Every dream she hadn't reached or pain she had felt.  Every lust or longing she had suppressed.  

She imagined accepting it all. The way she accepted nature.  The way she accepted a glacier or a puffin or the breach of a whale.  

She imagined seeing herself as just another brilliant freak of nature.  Just another sentient animal, trying their best. 

And in doing so, she imagined what it was like to be free."

143

3. "Look at that chessboard... 'At the beginning of a game, there are no variations.  There is only one way to set up a board.  There are nine million variations after the first six moves.  And after eight moves there are two hundred and eighty-eight billion different positions.  And those possibilities keep growing.  There are more possible ways to play a game of chess than the amount of atoms in the observable universe.  So it gets very messy.  And there is no right way to play; there are many ways.  In chess, as in life, possibility is the basis of everything.  Every hope, every dream, every regret, every moment of living." 195

4. "We just have to close our eyes and savour the taste of the drink in front of us and listen to the song as it plays."  277

5. "She followed her brother inside her flat to start tidying up, catching a glimpse of the clusters of irises in Mr. Banerjee's garden as she went.  Flowers she hadn't appreciated before, but which now mesmerised her with the most exquisite purple she had ever seen.  As though the flowers weren't just colours but part of a language, notes in a glorious floral melody, as powerful as Chopin, silently communicating the breathtaking majesty of life itself." 283

***

5/5. 

What to Eat | Marion Nestle

1. "Breakfast cereals are supposed to be good for you, and the relatively unprocessed ones still are, but most are now so thoroughly processed and sugared and filled with additives that they might as well be cookies.  You can hardly find a cereal without added vitamins, so let's call them vitamin-enriched, lowfat cookies." (339)

2. Any sensible person might think that the Founding Fathers devised the First Amendment to protect political dissent rather than the right of food marketers to use overblown health claims on cereal boxes. (344)

3. Bear in mind that food companies would rather you did not notice how they market their products to your kids.  If you did, you might see, as researchers tell us, that much of food marketing seems designed deliberately to undermine your authority and encourage your children to view you as ineffective or stupid... 'Conflicts arise because the foods that are most heavily marketed to children are low-nutrition foods of which parents would like their children to eat less.  Marketers count on children wearing their parents down and on parents giving in and purchasing low-nutrition food for their children... [F]ood marketing...forces parents to choose between being the bad guy who says "no" in order to protect their children's health or giving in to junk-food demands to keep the peace.'

Analysis of food commercials aimed at children demonstrate that such advertising often promotes "antisocial" and "anti-adult" behavior designed to make kids think they know more about what they are supposed to eat than their parents do.  As a parent, your job is to set limits but you are up against an entire industry devoted to undermining your authority to do so.  Marketing to children does more than make them want certain products; it is meant to change society. It aims to put kids in charge of decisions that you should be making.  For this reason alone, marketing to children is worth opposing. (381-382)

4. As an individual, your recourse against such manipulation is to vote with your dollars every time you buy food.  The better informed you are, the more wisely you can spend them.  But it is not easy to oppose an entire food system on your own; it takes strength, courage, and firm determination.  The current environment of food choice-- driven by Wall Street as it is-- has come about as the result of history, politics, and business concerns, not public interest." (521)

 5. "..Salmon farmers resort to cosmetics.  They add dyes to the feed pellets, knowing that the farmed salmon can easily absorb the color and that their flesh will turn as pink as that of wild salmon.  This, as it turns out, can be done with amazing precision. In the same way you match paint to color chips at paint stores, salmon farmers can choose the color they want the salmon to be from a chart made by Hoffmann-La Roche, the company that makes synthetic astaxanthin and canthaxanthin.  The intensity of color on the Hoffman-La Roche SalmoFan ranges from #20 (pale salmon pink) to #34 (bright orange-red). Focus group tests show that customers prefer the natural color of wild salmon (#33 on the SalmoFan) by a ratio of 2 to 1, equate that color with quality, and say they are willing to pay more for it.  When farmed salmon comes in at a pinkish #27, customers reject it.  You can bet that salmon farmers give their fish plenty of the dyes." (225)

***

4.5/5. This book was fascinating. It was so hard to choose just 5 quotes. I learned that Albacore tuna is much higher in methylmercury than the cheaper kind, and that food politics is the reason this is not a well-known fact (something I wish I had known when I was pregnant!). Eggs are eggs, and grass-fed beef is higher in some vitamins and nutrients. Organic really is a better choice if you can afford it, and bottled water is basically a big fat waste of money. 

I learned how sophisticated and manipulative the food industry is, and I was inspired to rebel against this fact through the choices I make when I decide what to eat. I only wish she would revise and come out with a new edition, because this book came out in 2006. 

Marion Nestle is brilliant and delightfully presents her research with a good dose of humor (a necessary thing when you are swallowing the dark side of food politics). 

Bravo, Marion Nestle!

The Three Mothers | Anna Malaika Tubbs

LOUISE:

   1. “It is time for the honor many quietly pay Black mothers to become as loud as Alberta’s choir, as consistent as Berdis’s love, as strong as Louise’s fight.” (219)

   2.  “Louise was especially strict with Malcolm because he was so much like her. She knew firsthand how dangerous things could become for someone so strong willed, so she did her best to steer his energy and intelligence in the right direction. Malcolm learned more from what he saw in Louise than what she said directly to him. He too demanded what he knew he deserved, and he stood up for himself. She had strict rules for her children because she wanted to protect them, but like her son, she was a rebel who did not let rules restrict her.” (131)

   3. “For Louise, surviving meant never allowing fear to keep you from speaking the full truth, never being afraid of what you might lose in the fight for what was right.” (199)

   4.  “Louise, with her almost century on this earth, would leave an indelible print on the lives of millions, most of whom are still unaware of her name.” (188)

  5. “The mother is the first teacher of the child. The message she gives that child, that child gives to the world. -Malcolm X” (178)

BERDIS: 

  1. “David’s funeral took place a few days later… Berdis was not there. She was attending to her newborn and perhaps already focusing on her new life, free from him. Years later, Berdis’s grandson would describe Paula’s birth as completing Berdis’s solar system, with Berdis in the middle and her nine children surrounding her. He would also describe David’s death as the moment that allowed Berdis’s light to fully shine like the sun. She’s lost both of her parents, she was isolated in the North, away from family, and she was now a single mother of nine at the age of forty-one. She would have to do whatever she could to provide for her children, but she would, as she always had, find a way.” (115)

  2.  “For Berdis, living life to the fullest centered around being able to find love and joy for yourself no matter how hard others tried to take it away from you.” (199)

  3.  “We are all walking in terrible darkness here, and this is one man’s attempt to bear witness to the reality and the power of light. -James Baldwin” (152)

  4.  “I saw my mother’s face again, and felt, for the first time, how the stones of the road she had walked on must have bruised her feet. James Baldwin” (178)

 5. “…we must do a better job of recording our stories and sharing our truths, not only with our immediate networks but with as many people as possible. It is only a disservice when we hide ourselves, when our children do not know what we have gone through and how we survived it, when we allow others to define who we are.” (218) 

ALBERTA:

  1. “Alberta Christine Williams King is best known for being the mother of the revered Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr…. Alberta’s work did not stop when she got married, it did not stop when she became a mother, it did not stop when her heart was weighed down by anxiety over the danger her children faced, it didn’t even stop when she buried her sons. Alberta used her family teachings, her own training, her love for her family, her deepest pain, and her desire to educate to touch the lives of others and, by doing so, to live a full life. Loved ones said, ‘Her teachings of unshakable faith and her love for mankind were instrumental in shaping the nonviolent movement which has changed the course of history.’” (183-184)

   2. “Christine would fondly recall such moments, saying, “Every now and then, I have to chuckle as I realize there are people who actually believe ML [as Martin was sometimes called by his loved ones] just appeared. They think he simply happened, that he appeared fully formed, without context, ready to change the world. Take it from his big sister, that’s simply not the case. We are the products of a long line of activists and ministers. We come from a family of incredible men and women who served as leaders in their time and place, long before ML was ever thought of.” (133)

  3. “For Alberta, fulfillment for herself and her children rested completely in their Christian faith and was paired with their pursuit of education in order to better their own situation as well as that of their larger community.” (199)

  4. “It is something like the mother giving birth to a child. While she is temporarily consoled by the fact that her pain is not just bare meaningless pain, she nevertheless experiences the pain. In spite of the fact that she realizes beneath her pain is the emergence of life in a radiant infant, she experiences the agony right on. Martin Luther King, Jr.” (178)

 5. “Rather than standing in awe of Black mothers and simply commenting with deference on their incredible strength, others should stand with them and lighten their burden.” (219)

***

3/5  Fascinating, sobering, inspirational. 

Simplicity Parenting | Kim John Payne, M. ED

Simplification is about stripping away the distractions and clutter that monopolize our attention and threaten our connection.  It's about giving kids the ease to become themselves and giving us the ease to pay attention. 48

"The process of simplification... restore(s) a more natural balance, one where the "everyday" has a place and time expands.  Where distractions don't overwhelm connection, and the rituals we share are small promises made and kept, every day." 340

If, as a society, we are embracing speed, it is partially because we are swimming in anxiety.  Fed this concern and that worry, we're running as fast as we can to avoid problems and sidestep danger.  We address parenting with the same anxious gaze, rushing from this "enrichment opportunity" to that, sensing hidden germs and new hazards, all while doing our level best to provide our own children with every advantage now known or soon to be invented.  This book is not about hidden dangers, quick fixes, or limited-time opportunities; it is about the long haul. The big picture: a reverence for childhood." xvii

While your daily life may seem like a radio bandwidth full of static, simplification allows you, with much more regularity and clarity, to tune in to your own true signal as a parent.  I think you'll find it very gratifying to feel your inner authenticity develop as you bring more awareness and attention to your relationship with your children.  And with this process comes more opportunities to see deeply into who your children are becoming. xx

The central struggle of parenthood is to let our hopes for our children outweigh our fears. 35. 

"I'd like to make a recommendation directly to parents, especially those who, like Annmarie, are often fretful: Reduce your exposure to media, and particularly media news.  .. I am suggesting, parents consciously say "no thanks" to media overexposure.  ..Media that can exploit our deepest, most primal urge to protect our children.  We need to live with confidence, to parent with a sense of strength and openness, and, perhaps most of all, with a sense of humor.  The primal urge to protect is our cortisol spigot; I'm suggesting we not invite it to be turned on so easily and so often." 244-245

Young children are very busy.  Their evolution in the first ten year of life-- neural, social, and physical-- makes what we do as adults look like standing still. 76

Does sleep do something, besides mark the time between periods of wakefulness?  Does childhood do something, other than mark the time until adulthood?  ... As a society, we seem to be asking the same questions about childhood. What purpose does it serve?  Can we speed it up?  Can we better prepare our children for adulthood by treating them more like adults?  I worry that we'll understand the "purpose" of childhood by seeing, increasingly, what people are like when they've been rushed through theirs.  And I don't think that will be a pretty picture. Childhood has its own mysterious processes, its own pace.  When we ask children to "keep up" with a speeded-up world, I believe we are unconsciously doing them harm.  We are depriving them of exactly what they need to make their way in an increasingly complex world: well-being and resiliency.  Quite simply, a protected childhood allows for the slow development of identity, well-being, and resiliency.   16

It's strange how we look for meaning everywhere, as though it will be "new," not something that we already know and constantly have to remember, renew, and reclaim as our own.  20

As parents, we must not become "harmony addicted."  It's tempting to hope that every day might be a sort of "rainbow experience" for our children.  Wouldn't that be nice? If only we could suspend them in sort of a happiness bubble. But they need conflict.  As Helen Keller noted, "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet."  Children need to find ways to cope with difficult situations; they need to learn that they can.  34. 

Children love to be busy, and useful.  They delight in seeing that there is a place for them in the hum of doing, making, and fixing that surrounds them.  104

A wonderful counterbalance to "entertaining" children is to involve them in a task, in the "work" of family life.  Home is the environment a child will know best, and they need to affect their environment through their own efforts.  As small beings they can feel like inferior, passive observers of all that happens around them.  A sense of industry-- of busyness and purpose-- counteracts feelings of overwhelm.  And isn't it easy to feel small and inconsequential in a world so awash in information, so threatened with issues such as global warming?  Children who grow up as little doers, making Christmas breakfast and participating in the chores of daily life, will already have an inner gesture, a posture toward competency, activity, and autonomy.  105

When your child seems to deserve affection least, that's when they need it most. 61. 

Isn't it tempting to jump in with a solution? Absolutely tempting to quiet their quivering little chins and dry their eyes, with a fail-safe, can't miss solution.  But to do so consistently says "I'm in control of your life" and "I know how you feel."  We aren't.  And we don't, really.  And while it may seem a comforting thought to "know how they feel," it also denies them their own feelings. 146

"Do you love the time you live in?  We project a general sense of optimism to children when we talk less (with them) about things they may not understand, and definitely have no power to affect." 259

Before you say something, ask yourself these three questions: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?  And I would add: Will it help the child feel secure? 251

"Quite simply, don't talk too much to children aged nine or younger about their feelings. ..

Emotional intelligence can't be bought or rushed.  It develops with the slow emergence of identity and the gradual accumulation of life experiences.  When we push a young child toward an awareness they don't yet have, we transpose our own emotions, and our own voice, on to theirs.  We overwhelm them.  For the first nine or ten years, children learn mainly through imitation.  Your emotions, and the way that you manage them, is the model they "imprint," more than what you say or instruct about emotions.  268, 270

Children are such tactile beings.  They live so fully by their senses that if they see something, they will also want to touch it, smell it, possibly eat it, maybe throw it, feel what it feels like on their heads, listen to it, sort it, and probably submerge it in water.  This is entirely natural.  Strap on their pith helmets; they're exploring the world.  But imagine the sensory overload that can happen when every surface, every drawer and closet is filled with stuff?  So many choices and so much stimuli rob them of time and attention.  Too much stuff deprives kids of leisure and the ability to explore their worlds deeply. 28-29.

An overemphasis on toys co-opts and commercializes play, making it no longer a child's natural world but rather one that's dependent on adults, and the things they provide, to exist. Our generous impulses can also go awry.. ..What started as a generous desire to please and provide can assume its own life.  It can become addictive, feeding our own needs rather than our children's. Overworked and under-nurtured, we parents sometimes use toys, or stuff, as a stand-in for relationship. Our kids' joy fills an empty space within ourselves. We may be feeling disconnected, tied up in our many responsibilities, distracted by all that we have to do. A fast way to "connect" with our kids-- and surely "fast" is better than "not at all"?-- is to give the something new. We buy toys with a degree of compulsiveness, that children pick up on. What does it say to them? As the mountain of toys in their room grows, it also speaks. It speaks as loudly as advertisements, and its messages are the same, I believe, as the ones Mary Pipher identifies. What comes through to our children, loud and clear, is "Happiness can be bought!" and "You are the center of the universe! 78-79

You have to step up and believe in what you are doing and do a little bit of it every day. 308

REVIEW: Obviously, I could not choose just five quotes. I LOVED this book! It was a revelation for me, at a time in my life when I needed it most.  It greatly calmed me, invited me to step fully into motherhood, and has given me a clear vision on to what I want to strive for as a parent in our family life. 10/10!

The Baby Thief | Barbara Bisantz Raymond

[1] "Georgia's legacy has endured into the twenty-first century, and the vast majority of America's 6 million adoptees are still legally denied knowledge of their roots, even after they become adults.  Many cant find their birth parents or learn potentially life-saving information about their family health histories." (xiv)

[2] [When speaking of why she wrote this book, and in regards to the stories of resilience of the surviving victims] 

". . . I was often made inarticulate by such evidence of human resilience and common sense.  To have transformed a personal tragedy into a vehicle for helping or informing others seemed noble: the recounting of such feats seemed sufficient reason for any book." (144) 

[3] "In placing children with adoptive parents generally willing to treat them as children, not hired help, Georgia was a pioneer.  Today's adoptive parents continue to treat adopted children as part of their families.  It is one of Georgia's few positive legacies." (109-110)

[4] [A mother, on how she found the strength to go on after losing her son to Georgia Tann] 

"Back home in Mississipi, Ann regretted her decision, becoming guant and depressed before finally discovering a way of coping with her loss.  She pretended she hadn't lost Gordon.  She kept him with her in her mind, watched him grow from infant to toddler to boy.

    'By 1944 you were six and starting first grade, the very grade I was teaching,' she told Gordon, he wrote in an article for Reader's Digest. 'I couldn't wait for school to start.  I saw you in every child's face.  When I administered IQ tests, I hoped the boy with the highest score was you.  When I comforted a crying, defeated child, I feared he might be you.

    'You grew quickly that year,' she said.  'You were aggressive and vulnerable, cocky, and easily wounded.  I learned you needed an atmosphere of tolerance and love.  I tried to give it to you by giving it to all those children. 

    'It was an illusion, of course, but I have believed it, and when I said goodbye to that class in the spring, I felt sick with guilt.  It was as if I was abandoning you for the second time.

    'Then, following winter, I learned the third grade teacher was retiring.  I immediately petitioned the school board for a transfer, and I got it.  I would be your teacher again, this time, when you were eight. 

    'That year, as I watched you mature, I was proud you were becoming your own person, and I felt selfish for trying to hold on to you.  At the end of the year, I stopped imagining you were with me.  But I always wanted you back.  I prayed I that one day I would meet you as a man...'

    'I just sat there, immobilised by my own emotions,' Gordon told me. 'Slowly, she held out her arms and, for the first time in thirty-seven years, we touched.'" (141)

[5] "If knowledge of the long-buried story of Georgia Tann teaches us anything, it is the importance of ridding adoption of lies and secrets.  Until we do, she and her imitators will continue to corrupt adoption." (246)

4.5/5 Barbara Bisantz Raymond is a masterful historian who has uncovered truth regarding Georgia Tann. The subject matter is a tough, sickening pill to swallow, and she is honest about how difficult this was to write, and how depressing it was to research. She lays the facts out, has stories and pictures from survivors, and describes modern adoption policies.  It seemed to abruptly end, I do think it would have been good to tie back into the stories of the victims themselves at that point. But I couldn't put this book down, and applaud Ms. Raymond for tackling such a difficult subject.

Before We Were Yours | Lisa Wingate

[1] "She is pretty. A gentle, fragile soul.  Not the sort who would intentionally bring about the catastrophic unraveling that is only, this moment, beginning.  In my multifold years of life, I have learned that most people get along as best they can.  They don't intend to hurt anyone.  It is merely a terrible by-product of surviving." (3)

[2] "Life is not unlike cinema.  Each scene has its own music, and the music is created for the scene, woven to it in ways we do not understand.  No matter how much we may love the melody of a bygone day or imagine the song of a future one, we must dance within the music of today, or we will always be out of step, stumbling around in something that doesn't suit the moment.  I let go of the river's song and found the music of that big house.  I found room for a new life, a new mother who cared for me, and a new father who patiently taught me not only how to play music, but how to trust.  He was as good a man as ever I've known.  Oh, it was never like the Arcadia, but it was a good life.  We were loved and cherished and protected." (315) 

[3] "I lose myself in the smell of woodsmoke and morning fog so thick it cloaks the opposite bank and turns the river into a sea.  I run along the sandbars with my sisters, and hide in the grass, and wait for them to come find me.  Their voices weave soft through the mist, so that I can't tell how close or far they are. 

    On the Arcadia, Queenie sings a song.  I sit stone still in the grass and listen to my mama's voice.

            When the blackbird in the spring,

             On the willow tree,

             Sat and rocked, I heard him sing,

             Singing, Aura Lee,

             Aura Lee, Aura Lee,

             Maid with golden hair,

             Sunshine came along with thee..." (181)

[4] "A woman's past need not predict her future.  She can dance to new music if she chooses.  Her own music. To hear the tune, she must only stop talking.  To herself, I mean.  We're always trying to persuade ourselves of things." (317)

[5] "For the hundreds who vanished and for the thousands who didn't.  

    May your stories not be forgotten.

For those who help today's orphans find forever homes. 

May you always know the value 

of your work

and your love." (1) 

4.5/5. Lisa Wingate has bravely created an absolute masterpiece. Her writing is important. Her writing is poetic, and the past and present are weaved masterfully into this tapestry of heart-wrenching historical fiction. I couldn't put it down. What Georgia Tann did makes me physically ill, and is not for the faint of heart.  I wept.  The characters seemed so real they could have been breathing right off the page.  For something so horrific that there really are no words, Lisa Wingate found a way to put it into just that. And somehow she left me feeling hopeful, that we can learn from our past and make sure not to allow history to repeat itself.  For that I am so grateful.

Take note, the subject matter is for mature readers only. 

Happiness for Beginners | Katherine Center

[1] "...happy people are more likely to register joy than unhappy people. So if you take two people who have experienced a day of, say, fifty percent good things and fifty percent bad things, an unhappy person would remember more of the bad.  ..it's not just an attitude. It's genuinely connected to memory.  It's like, for unhappy people, if you ask them at the end of the day what they remember, it's the bad stuff.  But they aren't ignoring the good memories, they just didn't retain them." (123-124)

[2] "'People can get hooked up on longing, though. They wind up liking the wanting more than the having.' 
'Exactly!'  I said.  Is that fixable?

    Windy thought for a moment before answering.  'Well,' she said. 'there's a lot more neurological plasticity in the brain than we used to believe.  In theory, anything's possible.  But that's in theory.  The most important thing to remember is that getting what you want doesn't make you happy.'

'It doesn't?'  I asked.

'Not for long.  Happiness is more about appreciating than acquisition.'" (164)

[3] "I don't know how he could press so much longing and so much determination into one stolen moment, but there, on our knees, in the rain, the two of us possibly the dirtiest people to kiss since caveman times, he did.  It was like nobody else even existed.  I couldn't have pulled away if I'd wanted to.  By the way, I didn't want to." (217)

[4] "As I walked behind her, watching her calf muscles flex and release, I decided they were just exactly the perfect human shape for calves--and for legs in general, really." (123)

[5] "Every story has a beginning and an end.  Looking back, I could have begun it anywhere, or lingered on anything.  ..I could have lingered on sorrows.  I could have painted the portrait of a crumbling marriage, or a family drowned by grief. It's all there.

    But that's not the story I want to tell.  Those aren't the moments in my life I want to dwell on.  They happened. They mattered.  They left their marks.  But the things we remember are what we hold on to, and what we hold on to becomes the story of our lives.  We only get one story.  And I am determined to make mine a good one." (308)

3.5/5 I loved this book. I cringed a little at the beginning, but as the characters were developed I fell in love with all of them. It was just a fun, chick-flick feel. I am pretty excited for the Netflix version later this year! 

Take note, there is some language, a few F bombs, and some sexually suggestive material. 

Confessions of a Domestic Failure | Bunmi Laditan

[1] "Does anyone else find it entirely unreasonable that a human being should be required to cook AND clean on the same day? I woke up determined to get my kitchen in a state that doesn't make me shrink with shame... When I was done my kitchen sparkled like it never had before. Aubrey woke up and I honestly felt like an amazing woman and mom until I realized something. I had to start dinner. In an hour, the kitchen would be destroyed. It seemed like a waste of my hard work so I ordered Chinese food, instead." (62)

[2] "I wish parenthood talked about how utterly boring motherhood could be. I felt guilty for feeling it, but.. I was bored. I tried to set Aubrey down on her foam mat, but as soon as her tiny feet grazed the floor, she let out a banshee scream. Like a good servant, I picked her right back up and headed into the kitchen to eat my feelings. ..It only took a few seconds to pop the top off of the industrial-sized tub of peanut butter.. Aubrey begged for a taste. 'Pretty good, isn't it? One day you'll eat your feelings, too, honey.'" (63)

[3] "Sometimes it feels like moms are supposed to be invisible in society. Seen but not heard. We're supposed to quietly and quickly go about our task of raising perfectly mannered, groomed Gap babies who speak four languages before they're six without distracting the rest of the world from their important work." (24)

[4]  "Dear Pinterest, 

When we first started dating, you lured me in with Skittles-flavored vodka and Oreo-filled chocolate chip cookies. You wooed me with cheesy casseroles adjacent to motivational fitness sayings. I loved your inventiveness: Who knew cookies needed a sugary butter dip? 

    You did. You knew, Pinterest. You inspired me, not to make stuff, but to think about one day possibly making stuff if I have time. You took the cake batter, rainbow and bacon trend to levels nobody thought were possible. You made me hungry. The nights I spent pinning and eating nachos were some of the best nights of my life. 

    Pinterest, we can't see each other anymore. You see, it's recently come to my attention that some people aren't just pinning, they are making. This makes me want to make, too. Unfortunately, I'm not good at making, and deep down I like buying way more.  Do you see where I'm going with this? I'm starting to feel bad, Pinterest. I don't enjoy you the way I once did. 

    We need to take a break. I'm going to miss your crazy ideas (rolls made with 7Up? Shut your mouth). This isn't going to be easy. You've been responsible for nearly every 2 a.m. grilled cheese binge I've had for the past couple of years, and for that I'll be eternally grateful. 

Stay cool, Pinterest.

PS. You hurt me.

PPS. I'm also poor now.

Xo

Me" (128)

[5] "Back to the ridiculous parking spaces. Every time I parked and had to squeeze my jiggly post-baby stomach between vehicles it was just another reminder that I'm not where I should be, body-wise. It's hard enough getting out of the house with an eight-month-old who only poops when we're in stores.  

Which led me to..

    Piece of Evidence That The World Hates Moms #2: Public Changing Tables.

Nobody's asking for a Four Seasons-inspired changing room with baby bidets and Egyptian cotton, rosewater-scented wipes individually handed to me by a gloved bathroom attendant, but three days ago I almost gagged changing Aubrey on a sticky, crusty monstrosity with broken straps, soiled with what I HOPED was dried prune baby food. I did my best to clean the biohazard with wipes and hand sanitizer, but really?" (24)

3.5/5. I loved it! It too a minute to get used to the main character, Ashley, but she grew on me quickly. If you haven't ever struggled with depression or complete overwhelm in motherhood, this book may not be the book for you. But, I happen to know that I do, thus, I found this book refreshing and hilarious. Ashley is truly a hot mess, but a relatable, lovable hot mess!

Take note, there is some language and some sexually suggestive material.