[1] "Does anyone else find it entirely unreasonable that a human being should be required to cook AND clean on the same day? I woke up determined to get my kitchen in a state that doesn't make me shrink with shame... When I was done my kitchen sparkled like it never had before. Aubrey woke up and I honestly felt like an amazing woman and mom until I realized something. I had to start dinner. In an hour, the kitchen would be destroyed. It seemed like a waste of my hard work so I ordered Chinese food, instead." (62)
[2] "I wish parenthood talked about how utterly boring motherhood could be. I felt guilty for feeling it, but.. I was bored. I tried to set Aubrey down on her foam mat, but as soon as her tiny feet grazed the floor, she let out a banshee scream. Like a good servant, I picked her right back up and headed into the kitchen to eat my feelings. ..It only took a few seconds to pop the top off of the industrial-sized tub of peanut butter.. Aubrey begged for a taste. 'Pretty good, isn't it? One day you'll eat your feelings, too, honey.'" (63)
[3] "Sometimes it feels like moms are supposed to be invisible in society. Seen but not heard. We're supposed to quietly and quickly go about our task of raising perfectly mannered, groomed Gap babies who speak four languages before they're six without distracting the rest of the world from their important work." (24)
[4] "Dear Pinterest,
When we first started dating, you lured me in with Skittles-flavored vodka and Oreo-filled chocolate chip cookies. You wooed me with cheesy casseroles adjacent to motivational fitness sayings. I loved your inventiveness: Who knew cookies needed a sugary butter dip?
You did. You knew, Pinterest. You inspired me, not to make stuff, but to think about one day possibly making stuff if I have time. You took the cake batter, rainbow and bacon trend to levels nobody thought were possible. You made me hungry. The nights I spent pinning and eating nachos were some of the best nights of my life.
Pinterest, we can't see each other anymore. You see, it's recently come to my attention that some people aren't just pinning, they are making. This makes me want to make, too. Unfortunately, I'm not good at making, and deep down I like buying way more. Do you see where I'm going with this? I'm starting to feel bad, Pinterest. I don't enjoy you the way I once did.
We need to take a break. I'm going to miss your crazy ideas (rolls made with 7Up? Shut your mouth). This isn't going to be easy. You've been responsible for nearly every 2 a.m. grilled cheese binge I've had for the past couple of years, and for that I'll be eternally grateful.
Stay cool, Pinterest.
PS. You hurt me.
PPS. I'm also poor now.
Xo
Me" (128)
[5] "Back to the ridiculous parking spaces. Every time I parked and had to squeeze my jiggly post-baby stomach between vehicles it was just another reminder that I'm not where I should be, body-wise. It's hard enough getting out of the house with an eight-month-old who only poops when we're in stores.
Which led me to..
Piece of Evidence That The World Hates Moms #2: Public Changing Tables.
Nobody's asking for a Four Seasons-inspired changing room with baby bidets and Egyptian cotton, rosewater-scented wipes individually handed to me by a gloved bathroom attendant, but three days ago I almost gagged changing Aubrey on a sticky, crusty monstrosity with broken straps, soiled with what I HOPED was dried prune baby food. I did my best to clean the biohazard with wipes and hand sanitizer, but really?" (24)
3.5/5. I loved it! It too a minute to get used to the main character, Ashley, but she grew on me quickly. If you haven't ever struggled with depression or complete overwhelm in motherhood, this book may not be the book for you. But, I happen to know that I do, thus, I found this book refreshing and hilarious. Ashley is truly a hot mess, but a relatable, lovable hot mess!
Take note, there is some language and some sexually suggestive material.
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